First Dates Application (2018)

First Dates Application (2018)

Well I’ve just updated my Bumble profile – decided not to undersell myself this time by writing about my small willy and calling myself a tosser, like I did on my Tinder profile.

I’m not quite happy with it yet – it doesn’t scream “me” but it will do for now. Bumble only seems to want to offer me women in Barnet or Redbridge at the moment though.

So whilst I’m waiting for enough action (or non-action) to happen to generate enough content, I thought I’d share my application for First Dates that I was made to do in 2018:


My alleged spiritual advisor required me to complete this form so consider this application as being under duress.

I am a fat, ugly, smelly grunt with a mullet.

I am useless with women, I once turned up to a date on horse tranquilizer and my Tinder profile simply says “big heart, small penis”. Except that’s also a lie because I’m a Tory.

There are next to no redeemable qualities about me, however I do not have any sexual diseases, I still have some of my own teeth and I am one of the best roast dinner reviewers in London.

One or two people think I’m funny but most think I’m even more of a twat than Jeremy Corbyn.

Please note that I work underground (keeps me hidden from public view) and my telephone barely works at the best of times, so please either text or e-mail me if you are really desperate enough for contenders.

Finally, I own shiny green meggings and I am not homosexual. Gays are great, I have gay friends and everything – but I love boobs. I would just get breast implants but my mother keeps nagging me just to find a girlfriend. Actually that’s a lie – she’s given up hope.


They actually called me, but I didn’t hear back after the telephone screening. I think it is because I told them I was a bit weird, and then couldn’t provide anything to back that up. All talk and no short shorts. I do need to buy some new short shorts – you never know, I might have a date by time summer arrives.

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