Hello. My name is James, I am nearly 40 years old and I’ve never had a proper girlfriend.

This used to bother me 10-15 years ago. Nowadays I couldn’t give a fuck. Possibly literally but I’ve not had the opportunity to test that in recent years.

I’m not exactly prime boyfriend material. I’m obese, unfit, fairly ugly (or at least weird looking), I have a hairstyle that people stare at, shit teeth, I have no house, car or appreciable savings. I drink too much, I eat too much and I am quite self-obsessed. I have never been to a gym and I don’t like tech-house. I am not exactly competing to be the next owner of Playboy Mansion either. I have zero confidence with women, I have no clue what I’m doing so apart from some very occasional drunken Tinder swiping, therefore I tend to ignore my love life. Oh, I also love farting.

Before anyone rolls their eyes thinking I’m playing the self-pity card, two things.

  1. Generally speaking I love being me. Yeah, I’m not blessed with good looks but I do enjoy my life and I think I have a pretty decent personality. Mostly honest, quite funny, quite intelligent, personable, quirky – and most importantly, I voted to remain.
  2. I just want to make people smile and laugh. Sure, I’ll accept a blow job, hell I’d even get married if it really came to it. But the purpose of this blog is to make people laugh.

Got To Be In It To Win It

Years ago, I used to spend hours entering competitions online. Then occasionally I’d win, say, a holiday to Holland – and some people would say that I was so lucky. But I’d ask them how often they entered competitions. You know the answer to that.

The same applies to me with women. I put zero effort in. I can sit here and think maybe I’ll go on Tinder tonight, but I won’t bother – I’d rather trawl through a load of nonsense on Twitter and have an argument about Brexit with some random Brexit Party fanatic who I’ll have zero impact upon.

So starting the blog forces me to do something. Because if I blog about it, then I have to do it.

Over the next month, I am going to maximise my possible Tinder swiping until it won’t let me swipe any more, and report back to you in a month. If you want to follow along with any daily titbits (well, more often than monthly, probably), Twitter is your friend with benefits.

And yeah, I know Tinder is shit. Therefore it seems an appropriate place to start.

One thing though. I don’t actually know if I want a girlfriend. I might be fat and ugly, but I’m also happy, fat and ugly. I enjoy being single, I am happy the way I am. I really doubt I am capable of the sacrifices being in a relationship entails, like possibly not being able to play Romanian minimal techno 16 hours a day. But I do wonder if I am missing out on something whilst perennially single.

Hopefully, for as long as this blog lasts (more likely I’ll get bored than it become redundant), I will be able to shine a light on modern dating for men that are not so photogenic. Most importantly, I hope to entertain and amuse you, and hell, maybe even have some fun myself.

And if blogging about roast dinners has led me to eat some amazing roast dinners, maybe, just maybe there is someone hot yet weird enough…nah don’t be silly.

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