As promised, I have spent the last two weeks doing a lot of swiping. I think I have managed it every day – in a way it is boring, yet I can never get bored of looking at attractive women. Hot women made the recent heatwave bearable.
I guess I should show you my profile first:
Bored of the gym bro’s with big muscles and small brains, fist-pumping to the blandest tech-house, drinking protein shakes, eschewing personality and doing things only because others do them?
Why not try a fat bloke with a shit 80’s hairstyle and a small nob instead?
At least I won’t cheat on you.
Must like roast dinners. And have a sense of humour.
Does that, or does that not, scream “I must hook up with that stud”?
And yes, after right-swiping I guess around 300-400 women over the last two weeks, I finally had a match. A rather attractive Indian-looking woman (living in Harrow I have discovered a liking for Indian women) with a penchant for desserts – specifically not looking for a hook-up which suits my relative lack of sex drive just fine. Well, I don’t get excited when using a photocopier nowadays, anyway.
The question was, what to say?
Should I say something weird? Should I say something funny? Should I just say “hello”?
So I asked her what her favourite dessert was. And said hello.
Next time I checked, I was back to zero matches.
I learnt long ago that Tinder is a pretty cold place and not to take it too seriously. I’m getting better at handling rejection – I was only heartbroken for around 5 minutes – I’ve been pissed off about Brexit for over 3 years.
And there is hope.
According to Tinder, I have 3 women that like me, but I just have to wait until Tinder decides to show them to me to see if I match them.
Unless, of course, I pay £26.99 for a month’s access to Tinder Gold. It also gets me unlimited swipes (though I’ve only run out once as I normally get bored), 5 super likes a day (which seem a bit creepy to me), the ability to undo (meh) and the ability to swipe anywhere in the world.
As much as I’d really enjoy Spanish Tinder, it doesn’t seem awfully practical – “hey, what are you up to in 6 weekend’s time when I book flights to Spain?”. Or maybe I should book some flights to Spain then sign up to Tinder Gold the week before? Hmmm. This is getting more expensive.
There is also Tinder Plus, which is the above less being able to see who swiped me, priced at £17.99 for a month.
I am up for investing, but I think Tinder is too soulless an experience to waste any money on. It’s like beer – I’m very happy to pay for it in general, but I would only drink Carlsberg if it was free. Though I’d be better off not drinking Carlsberg in the first place.
Carry on swiping…
I’ll report back again after my full month of attempting to destroy my soul (and quite possibly the soul of any woman unfortunate enough to see my profile).
Suggestions on life after Tinder are welcome, as are profile improvements – though do remember I’m not taking this too seriously. I cannot pretend to be someone else.